Remote Control

My, I'm lazy. You can gauge a man's laziness by counting the number of remote controls sitting on the table next to his chair. I have three. One operates the stereo components, the VCR, and TV; one operates the DirecTV receiver with TIVO; and one operates the DVD player. I've just never been able to find one remote that really is "universal."

This may speak more to my lack of funds (or my good stewardship of the funds I do have) than to the existence of a remote that does everything.

I was doing a little online window shopping last night for remote controls. The universal remote wore out. That says a lot, too! How many times can one push a button on the remote before the button stops functioning? That's a question for the wise old owl. A-one, A-two, A-three...

A remote's not much good if it doesn't work. About all there is to do with it is throw it at the TV and hope you hit the channel select button. Or give it to your young son who doesn't really know what one is supposed to do! We did that a few years ago but he's too smart for that trick now.

I'm thinking I might just leave it sitting on the table next to my chair. I already have three...that's pretty lazy. Having four would make people think I'm a super couch potato. I have a few more remotes in drawers around the house. I'll have a remote for everything. Forget the universal remote; they never work everything anyway. And I'll get one of those saddlebag-looking things that fit on the arm of the chair. Or western holsters...swap the six-shooters for remote controls. "Fastest Clicker in the West." I'll be famous!

Speaking of "clicker," I remember the first remote control I ever saw. My grandfather, Dado, would use it to change between Lawrence Welk, HeeHaw, and John Chandler's weather. And it really clicked. Loud. He didn't let the kids use it. Even when remotes first hit the market, it was obvious they were only to be operated by men. So us grandkids were mesmerized. Especially the boys. We knew we would inherit the "clicker" someday - and the right to use it.

So I was window shopping online and found a universal remote for $260. It connects through your computer to a website that has a setup wizard. For $260, the wizard ought to come in the box! Just stuff him right in there.

I just can't see spending $260 for a remote control to operate audio/video equipment that didn't cost that much. I hate to admit it, but I don't think one piece in the entertainment center cost that much. Not only am I lazy, I'm cheap. Wouldn't that be like hiring a NASCAR driver to drive a Pinto? Wouldn't that be like shooting rats with a 12-gauge duck gun? Wouldn't that be like eating a filet on a paper plate?

How about I just get a $19.99 remote and spend the other $240.01 on something else? Or start a fund for the next 20 remotes I need to buy? Wouldn't twenty-one $19.99 remotes last longer than one $260 remote?

So what does this thing do? How lazy does a man have to be to need one of these? Or how technologically challenged does he have to be to need one that will do all this? Why not just plug the TV into the Clapper? Clap On, Clap Off.

I imagine that a $260 remote control must do a lot of things. It converts your 21" TV into a 108" plasma wall. It replaces your CD collection with live musicians. You won't need your DVDs anymore because the remote transports you to the premier of every movie you want to see. It does not, however, operate a VCR or cassette player. Such primitive technology is beneath it.

Oh, and it vacuums the house and takes out the trash. If you can remember where you left it.